


Stannis Baratheon, Master of Ships

by ProdigySorcerer



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: All of the pairings, Humor, Metafiction, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-04 06:09:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2955077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProdigySorcerer/pseuds/ProdigySorcerer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he was made Master of Ships it was just another day in the life of Stannis Baratheon i.e. an awfull day his own elder brother didn't respect him enough to make him his Hand of the King, instead Robert decided to pour salt in the wound of his innability to capture Dragonstone by fleet in that he has given him the duty of thinking about ships and fleets everyday.</p>
<p>Now the hour of vengeance has arrived and no one in Westeross will come out unscathed once Stannis delivers his report on the ships of ASOIAF.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a golden afternoon in King’s Landing as the Small Council was finishing it’s weekly meeting, from the point of view of Jon Arryn it had been a most productive meeting several measures had been proposed by the Master of Coin Lord Baelish to help with reducing the crown’s debts and the Master of Laws Renly Baratheon had given his blessing as they were in line with the current laws of the realm.

For the Hand the fact that this session of the council had gone so smoothly was a small victory as the King his former ward Robert had deigned to participate, it was the norm under his rule that Jon would mostly conduct the business of the Small Council, and although he did not offer any concrete plans of action he voiced his approval for Littlefinger’s ideas.

As was customary Robert was escorted by members of the Kingsguard, in this case the two present were Jaime Lannister goodbrother to the king and who was better known as the Kingslayer and Barristan Selmy the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard who had earned the sobriquet The Bold.

Also accompanying the King was his wife the Queen of the Realm Cersei Lannister, truthfully this was a even greater surprise than the presence of the King who was at least nominally expected to attend, Jon had no idea why she was attending mayhaps she had issues she wished to discuss with her husband and she preferred to wait out the council so that she may approach him directly after. lest the King decide to leave the Red Keep for hunting or other affairs directly after the meeting.

Still it was not his place to pry into the affairs of the royal marriage, even if he considered the King like a son to him, another fact which gave credence to his previous theory was that Cersei was accompanied by her brother Tyrion Lannister, which was named the Halfman or Imp due to his aspect, both siblings being present could mean that they were approaching the king with business from the house of their Father, which would also explain why they chose to attend the meeting as children of a prestigious former Hand themselves they could handle the bureaucratic parlance.

The sole thing which worried Jon was the relative silence of two otherwise very vocal members of the council, the Master of Ships Stannis Baratheon and the Master of Whispers Lord Varys the Spider, they had not spoken up not once despite Stannis past efforts to push his idea for taxing the brothels as a alternative source of income. 

“My king, fellow Lords of the Council honourable guests ” Stannis rose from his seat to demand their attention “ and Jaime ... our business today is not yet concluded as I must still present the results of a inquiry I was tasked to do by our King. So sit down shut up and listen carefully.”

“And what inquiry would that be, brother ?” Renly inquired.

“One of the most important existing and possible ships in the Realm, I am Master of Ships what did expect a summary of the spring fashions in Highgarden ? ” Stannis replied.

“Robert, my dearest husband we have important news to relay from Father so if you could join Tyrion and I while my favourite goodbrother reads his, I’m sure very detailed and well thought out list of cogs and fishing boats ... ” Cersei began in honeyed tones.

“My queen, this is not about maritime vessels a ‘ship’ for the purpose of this discussion is a shortening of the word ‘relationship’ thus this is a list of past,current and possible liaisons between the most important personages of the Realm and beyond . In short it is a veritable treasure trove of intelligence. ” Varys intervened in even tones.

“You said past and possible uhm ships ?” Tyrion entered the conversation.

“Indeed my lord, what has been, what is what could have been, what could still be I’m afraid we’re entering the domain of the Higher Mysteries from now on.” Pycelle spoke while his hands went mayhaps without his knowing to the Valyrian Steel links in his chain.

“So just so I understand you perfectly, via sorcery and magic you obtained a list ... ”

“Not a list my lord, best to think them as songs but wrought from information no bard has access to.”

“It was I who had to read them all, alongside Lords Varys and Pycelle and compiled them into a list for the King to read and act upon if he so wishes.”

“But still you have information on the past and possible future. I can quote a member of Pycelle’s order who said that prophecy is like ... ” Tyrion began.

“Enough prattling, We have taken a interest in these ships and have asked for the Master of Ships to look into them so you all will shut up sit down and listen to what Stannis has found, the King has spoken.” Robert roared.

Everyone then settled down, despite the discussion it was obvious that these matters were of interest to them if only because of their supernatural source.

“The format for every ... ship will be as follows the name will be Person A/Person B in which the two persons are the lovers implicated, it will be followed by being declared canon or not canon these are specific terms for whether the coupling has happened or not for example Ned/Cat ... ” Stannis was explaining.

“You’re going to talk about Lady Tull ... Stark and her husband?” Littlefinger interrupted sounding irritated.

“Yes they would be an example of a canon ship ” Petyr looked downcast “but for obvious reasons Brandon/Cat is non-canon” hearing this Littlefinger’s mood seemed to improve.

“After this I will go into details if it is required for some of the more obscure or harder to fathom examples like Arya/Gendry ” most of those present didn’t seem to recognize the names “and finally separate from all these factors I will cast the sentance do I ship it or not.” 

“No you will not !!! Stannis you might be Master of Ships but that is only at my pleasure, as the King my word is final on what will ship or not.” Robert interjected

“Of course your Grace.” Stannis dutifully acknowledged.

“Let’s begin ...” the King responded.

“First ship on the list Cersei/Jaime ...”


	2. Chapter 2

“Just what are you implying oh good brother of mine ?” Cersei demanded while trying not to let the rage show while Jamie’s lips formed a straight thin line and his hand went to rest on his sword hilt.

“That I’ve read entirely too much of you and your brother Jamie copulating and betraying the king in this fashion.” Stannis replied immediately.

“Ahem most of the scenes mentioning this ludicrous pairing ” Picelle intervened “had it happen at Winterfell so they can not be ...”

“Some not all, a key repeating element of these stories is that the royal princes are in fact Lannister inbred abominations “

“But me and Jaime have never set foot in Winterfell and nor will I even go to that frozen hellhole !!!” the queen said her temper obviously flaring.

“You will ... if I order it ” Robert finally spoke up “it’s a grave accusation Stannis that sort of incestuous brother sister love is down right Targaryen and you know how I fell about them ... and I would hate to have to brand Tonmen and Myrcella as abominations.” he ended on a more melancholic tone.

“Ahem” Tyrion couldn’t help himself.

“ah yes and about Joff and about needing to put Cersei and Jamie to the sword for treason against the royal house, but this one of those non canon ones aye ?”

Stannis began to grit his teeth yet Pycelle jumped in.

“Of course your Grace all these fanciful scenarios imply the queen and Ser Kingslayer at Winterfell which we have discussed has never happened, Cersei/Jamie is as non canon as it comes.”

“Cersei/Jamie non canon then” Robert declared.

“I do not ship it.” Stannis confirmed.

Varys made a short gesture as if washing his hands of the whole thing then bid Stannis

“My lord Stannis the next one on the list please it is quite a long list.”

“Then servants please bring us some wine, and none of the weak kind Mirysh or Arbor.” Cersei ordered.

“Ha good idea wife, I honestly can’t see how you people govern the realm in these meetings without some wine or ale at the table ?” the king said jovially although it resulted in some of the lords to roll their eyes discreetly.

“The next pairing ... ” Stannis began almost in pained tones “Stannis Baratheon/Mellisandre of Ashai we find it non canon and we do not ship it next on the list ...” he hurried to the next item.

“Wait wait a second a ship involving yourself ?” Renly interrupted as if he had just heard that now by royal decree all breast plates were to be made with mandatory nipples.

“And not with your lady wife tsk tsk” Robert got on the act feigning disappointment. 

“That is why I said non-canon, marriage is a duty to sully it by sleeping with another than your spouse.” Stannis stopped his words but just gave a very pointed look to the royal couple who for their part seemed much too relaxed.

“And who is this lady Melisandre ?” Jon intervened his first words since this whole situation arose.

“That’s the other issue my dear brothers, I haven’t even met her so of course it’s non canon ... ” 

“Don’t the songs hint at who she could be ?” Tyrion asked with genuine curiosity as he had observed that they were only seeing the information as filtered by Stannis,Varys and Pycelle if he could get his hands on authentic prophecies which he knew from the previous pairing were correct the possibilities ...

“Apparently a shadowbinder from Ashai, the shadowbinders are some of the most dangerous sorcerers in existence that Lord Stannis will, or might as the stories indicate, ask for her service indicates how truly dire ” Pycelle was explaining

“Yeah but how does she look like ? I’m thinking at least smaller ears and no ...” Robert made a small gesture to his moustache 

“I’ve taken the liberty to order some portraits as the stories were very keen on describing the ladies’s physiques ” Varys said as he advanced to the other councillors and retrieved a small scroll from his sleeve.

The men and then even Cersei took in the image on the scroll of the buxom redhead cloth only in scarlet robes, the opinions then started to flow the Lannister brothers winked and smiled at Stannis to show their approval, while Littlefinger and Lord Arryn kept looking from the image of the exotic beauty to the sullen Stannis and back apparently not believing it.

Robert was grinning like a idiot not even trying to hide his approval at least out of courtesy to his good sister Selyse.

“I bet she dies her hair.” Cersei said with a hint of bitterness as if there was a prize for being the best looking Baratheon paramour and she didn’t like the increased competition..

Renly nodded sagely and then added.

“And are you sure you ahem get acquainted with her in those stories my dear elder brother ?” in mocking tones.

“There are at least a three dozen stories about me taking her to bed in the future so as to fuel her sorcery and kill you.” only Stannis could somehow twist a romantic encounter into a threat.

“What, me ? Why” Renly asked rightly perplexed at what he was hearing

“It’s a long story my lords but as we said despite the fact that these stories are about love, they give us glimpses into some possible futures or pasts, I’d hoped we’d have hoped to approach this subject in a more diplomatic manner but ...” Pycelle said while giving Stannis the evil eye.

“An disturbing number of futures all include the death of our good king while hunting, and then a civil war in which Lords Stannis and Renly are rival claimants.”

There was a long silence as all those who were hearing this for the first time tried to come to terms with the possibility of a new civil war dividing the Kingdom.

“So what you’re telling me is that I shouldn’t go hunting ?” the king said looking like a babe which had it’s favourite toys taken away.

“Hmm shouldn’t this future war be the thing we’re discussing and not who is whore-ing it up with who ? ” the queen demanded, it was clear to everyone that as possible Queen Mother a civil war would involve her sons on the front lines.

“With whom ... And we’ll get to that with the next ship if I may proceed.” Stannis intervened

“Not so fast, Stannis/Melisandre , ugh we should think about shorter names, it is canon before the king’s yes and I do ship it, do you agree my lords and sweet wife?” Robert said aiming to close the discussion and move on to another ship.

There were no exceptions from those around except Stannis and Renly but it seemed that being one of those being shipped didn’t give Stannis any right to overrule his brother’s desire to ship it.

“Next up Renly Baratheon/Margaery Tyrell” the Master of the Ships announced

“Ohh ... really ?” the young Masters of the Laws asked a bit uncertain.

“Indeed” Stannis responded while looking at Renly as if he had just slapped him on the face.

“BullshitBullshit” Jamie proceeded to cough and then just as rapidly stop earning him an threatening glare from the king and a smile from the queen while the rest of the court politely tried no to show their disbelief in Renly’s being paired with the young lady.

“Well she certainly is fair if the rumours coming from Highgarden are correct.” Lord Baelysh intervened as to fill the silence

“And the Martell’s armies would surely be a nice dowry given that all the stories featuring the ship also include the already mentioned civil war.” Varys noted

“Which again your Grace we must discuss your hunting habits, the Realm can not afford to lose you.” Pycelle added

“Especially considering who could win.” Stannis said under his breath

“Ohhh so that’s why you decided to break all the laws of men and gods and kill me with your sorceress ...” Renly exclaimed mocking a realization “ because I would have won on the battlefield.” he finished by going for the one thing his brother truly cared for his military career. 

“Now now my brothers could you at least be decent enough to wait for my death before you go to each others throats ? ... ” Robert japed darkly “ Oh finally the wine is here.” he then went back to his characteristic self.

“Thank the seven gods” Tyrion joined while his sister was already signalling the servants to begin from the royal pair’s goblets. 

“In the end a Renly/Margaery could be canon I assume, stranger things have happened.” Stannis mused

“Not strange at all brother I don’t know if everybody is aware but her brother was my squire that is how it probably went.”

“Oh you know her brother ? I don’t think we knew that ... well it must be canon then, I definitely ship it.” Cersei said in a catty tone.

“The next ship takes us North with Lord Stark’s daughters ” Varys announced the mention of his old friend’s family seemed to draw the attention of the king.


End file.
